Emulation.

Personal battles

      My heart beats faster, I can feel it in my chest, it’s racing like a runner in a marathon desperately wanting to get first place. Just like the runner, my heart is strong and devoted to getting what it want. It’s constantly trying to outrun all the other competitors, just to get to the red finish line. All it wants is the satisfaction of being first place. Since it wants the first place trophy so badly it neglects everything else’s and starts destroying my lungs in return. All of this for a trophy that it’ll never remember and look at ever again. All of this for a few moments of recognizing and glory. All it needs is some attention from the people around it and it will do anyone and everything just to receive those few brief moments. The little moments that will never be worthy of bringing up again, yet at this specific second it seems like the most important thing in the world. It’s feels like it’s unable to move on without it, like a car stuck in quicksand, slowly sinking and unable to move.       Each second I wait, it only gets faster and faster. It feels like I’m breathing in my last few breathes and it’ll only be a matter of minutes before I die. Only a matter of minutes before all the oxygen inside my lungs are used up. I’m holding onto every last bit of oxygen, trying to savor every single drop I have left. It’s like eating the last of a slice of pizza, you’re trying to get all the joy in there last slice because you never know when you’ll get it again. 

       I’ve become desperate, I try to convince my heart that the race is over but my heart doesn’t buy it. It keeps looking for the attention that no one is going to provide. It just keeps on going like when you’re mad and just want to run, so you go where your feet take you. It doesn’t matter where you go as long as you get out of there. Whatever my heart is trying to outrun I will never know, just that it’ll eventually be the death of me. 

aberrant

what am I

Take everything that you love about yourself, everything that has ever made you happy and everything that continues to make you happy. And then take the one person who you want to be proud of you and picture then telling you that all you’ve been is a disappointment to them.Picture them telling you that they’ve never been proud you and that you’re incapable of ever making them proud of you. 

 Now take all the goals that you have for yourself; for your future. And picture that one person that you always thought to be your number one supporter and picture them telling you that you’re never going to accomplish any of your goals because you don’t have what it takes to be good at anything. That you’re gonna end up homeless because you aren’t smart enough to get a degree. 

 Lastly picture those days where you woke up depressed, sad and wanting to end it all. You just wanted to be anywhere but the place that you were. You had all these thoughts circling your head and you didn’t know which one to listen to. The thoughts that one day you’ll accomplish everything if you set you mind to it, or the thought that all you’ll ever be is a disappointment, that you’ll never do anything right. You just wanted to be alone but you knew that being alone would be the death of you. That brief moment where you think to yourself that no one will give a shit if you’re gone. It’s not like you made that big of an impact in someone’s life. 

 That’s as close as equivalent to my mental state at the moment.