Life gets hard, it’s suffocating me. Desperately getting harder and harder to breathe. Gasping for the air that won’t fill up my lungs. Constant attempts to rid the hate the outside world has towards my insides. I try anything and everything, but its nothing but a failed attempt. Everyday is a constant struggle that I have to face. Day after day, I pray and pray that it will get better, but it only gets worse. I guess it’s fair because I destroyed his life which in turn destroyed mine. I wish I never had done it, but it was too late to go back. It was too late to do anything. Not only had I missed the window, I was caught in the middle with nowhere to go.
I just got fed up with all this bullshit, and I just exploded like two and a half hours after eating 15 tacos from Taco Bell. All this hatred, fear and anger took toll of me. It fermented itself into gas, eventually there was too much and it had no where to go so it just blew up. I lost control of my body for such a long time. I felt myself standing there but my words, my muscles and my body was not in my control. The words slipped out of my mouth and the second they were said, it felt like my heart was stabbed. I was slowly bleeding, on the verge of wanting to be dead but there was no one to save me. I had put this upon myself and I had to spend the rest of my life with it. I woke up in another land, confused, frustrated and unable to move. I felt like someone took my heart, crushed it and stuck it back inside me.
He will forever hate me and I will forever feel like the inside of a toilet seat, just because of some words that weren’t meant to be said. They slipped out like a cartoon character slipping on a banana peal. They were never meant to be said, they weren’t even true. I used these god awful words to make him feel like shit; it was supposed to make me feel better about myself but it only made me feel worse. I was slowly losing the desire to do anything. Did I even deserve happiness, after I forced all this to happen?
I avoided looking the mirror because my reflection got too much for me to handle. My reflection only portrayed the beast inside of me. The beast I so desperately didn’t want to be; my worst enemy. How could I live with myself knowing that I was my own worst enemy? It’s getting hard to breathe, my thoughts, my mind and my actions compressing my lungs. Forcing all the existing air out and preventing any from entering inside; leaving me to die. I gasp for air that can’t fill up my lungs. For now it’s too late, I have failed.
I wish the second I could understand the world, someone grabbed me by the wrist, sat me down and told me the truth. I wish they said
“You know how everyone
believes in happiness, well
happiness never has and
never will exist. It’s an
illusion, you can only be
happy for a short moment
of time and you spend the
rest of your life miserable.
You know how they say
“everything happens for a
reason”, well that’s also false.
Life is constantly going
throw shit at you, but you
can either make that shit into
a sculpture and make people
pay to see it or let it pile up
and smell it for the rest of
your god damn life. You know
how your parents say shit like
they love you and they’ll support
you through everything well
thats the biggest lie of them all.”
People will always tell you that they’ll die for you and that they’ll support you forever and always. But that’s only because for that brief moment you’re their happiness. You appear to them as that temporary illusion. Once they realize that their happiness doesn’t resonate with you they drop you, like an old framed picture of an ex that once meant the world to them. But just like their ex, you don’t mean anything to anymore. It makes you wonder if you ever meant anything to them at all. But truth me told, you never did. You were a shiny dollar bill but over time you got worn and they discarded you. They put you at the bottom of the stack because they realized they needed something better. They wanted the ace of spades but you were just the king of hearts.
My whole life I have seen girls with boys and men with women. Men married women and women married men. It was just normal that way. Men fell in love with women and women fell in love with men. That’s just the way things went. Women dated men and men dated women. It was normal that way.
Men and women would raise their kids together. That’s just the way it was. Women go to the mall to buy clothes in the women department. Men go to the men department and buy men clothes.
Men buy cologne and women buy perfume. That’s the way we were taught. It’s okay for women to cry but it’s forbidden for men. As if they are incapable of having emotions. As if nothing makes them sad and upset.
Women are so strongly criticized if they are the only ones working. As if it’s a disgrace that they make more money than there husbands. As if it’s a bad thing.
Men can’t wear makeup because it was made for women. It’s made to beautify them but if men want to feel beautiful, too bad I guess.
Women can’t have biceps and triceps because apparently it looks weird. It’s looks better on men. As if they can’t get strong and be fit.
Men can’t wear nail polish because it’s a girl thing. Men can’t get there ear pierced because it’s a girl thing. Men can’t wear pink because it’s a girl thing.
Women can’t shave there hair because it’s a guy thing. Women can’t pay the bills because it’s a guy thing. Women can’t watch sports because it’s a guy thing.