what am I

Take everything that you love about yourself, everything that has ever made you happy and everything that continues to make you happy. And then take the one person who you want to be proud of you and picture then telling you that all you’ve been is a disappointment to them.Picture them telling you that they’ve never been proud you and that you’re incapable of ever making them proud of you. 

 Now take all the goals that you have for yourself; for your future. And picture that one person that you always thought to be your number one supporter and picture them telling you that you’re never going to accomplish any of your goals because you don’t have what it takes to be good at anything. That you’re gonna end up homeless because you aren’t smart enough to get a degree. 

 Lastly picture those days where you woke up depressed, sad and wanting to end it all. You just wanted to be anywhere but the place that you were. You had all these thoughts circling your head and you didn’t know which one to listen to. The thoughts that one day you’ll accomplish everything if you set you mind to it, or the thought that all you’ll ever be is a disappointment, that you’ll never do anything right. You just wanted to be alone but you knew that being alone would be the death of you. That brief moment where you think to yourself that no one will give a shit if you’re gone. It’s not like you made that big of an impact in someone’s life. 

 That’s as close as equivalent to my mental state at the moment. 



why I shouldn't live on earth

I’m not like you. I don’t belong here. I don’t fit in. I’m don’t wear clothes just ¬†from the girls department and I don’t wear clothes just from the boys department. I don’t just wear girl deodorant and I don’t just wear boy deodorant. I don’t have a boyfriend and I don’t have a girlfriend. I don’t have crushes on just girls and I don’t have crushes on just boys. I don’t dream about girls and I don’t dream about boys. I don’t hangout with just girls and I don’t hang out with just boys. I don’t play just girl sports and I don’t play just boy sports. I’m not a he and I’m not a she. I’m not just a gamer and I’m not just an artist. I’m not a just a guitarist and I’m not just a writer. I’m not just an athlete and I’m not just a fashionista. I’m not just a kid who’s favorite color is pink and I’m not just a kid who’s favorite color is burgundy. I’m not just a kid that reads the books and I’m not just the kid that watches the movies. I’m not just a kid going through a problem but I’m a kid with a secret.