aberrant

what am I

Take everything that you love about yourself, everything that has ever made you happy and everything that continues to make you happy. And then take the one person who you want to be proud of you and picture then telling you that all you’ve been is a disappointment to them.Picture them telling you that they’ve never been proud you and that you’re incapable of ever making them proud of you. 

 Now take all the goals that you have for yourself; for your future. And picture that one person that you always thought to be your number one supporter and picture them telling you that you’re never going to accomplish any of your goals because you don’t have what it takes to be good at anything. That you’re gonna end up homeless because you aren’t smart enough to get a degree. 

 Lastly picture those days where you woke up depressed, sad and wanting to end it all. You just wanted to be anywhere but the place that you were. You had all these thoughts circling your head and you didn’t know which one to listen to. The thoughts that one day you’ll accomplish everything if you set you mind to it, or the thought that all you’ll ever be is a disappointment, that you’ll never do anything right. You just wanted to be alone but you knew that being alone would be the death of you. That brief moment where you think to yourself that no one will give a shit if you’re gone. It’s not like you made that big of an impact in someone’s life. 

 That’s as close as equivalent to my mental state at the moment. 

Melancholy 

why I shouldn't live on earth

It’s times like these where I wish someone would understand me. Where I wasn’t trapped in my own mind with all these lingering thoughts of whether I want to make it till tomorrow didn’t exist. I so desperately want to rid this depression but no matter what I do it always comes backs and haunts me. In my dreams I lay awake at night hoping that someone will understand what I’m going through, but when I awake from the dreams I’m here again living the shadows of who they want me to be.

 I succeed at things that they want to be good at it. I’m living the happiness of someone else and it’s so engraved in me that I don’t know how to stop it. Whenever I try to show individuality they bring me back to the herd like a pack of wolves, punishing me for being different. Stripping me of my clothes and ordering that I put on a jail jumper and surrender to them like I always have done. But the punishment I receive is mental, it’s from the thoughts I think alone. From my own cursed mind, that’s doing nothing but destroying me from within. That’s controlling my every thought, emotion and actions. My mind powerful enough to create the depressing that my heart is trying so hard to get rid of. Yet my mind causes the tears out of my eyes when I start feeling depressed and alone. 

At times like these I wish I had someone to talk to, but instead I’m talking to myself. The being that’s been doing nothing but make me depressed in the first place.