Emulation.

Personal battles

      My heart beats faster, I can feel it in my chest, it’s racing like a runner in a marathon desperately wanting to get first place. Just like the runner, my heart is strong and devoted to getting what it want. It’s constantly trying to outrun all the other competitors, just to get to the red finish line. All it wants is the satisfaction of being first place. Since it wants the first place trophy so badly it neglects everything else’s and starts destroying my lungs in return. All of this for a trophy that it’ll never remember and look at ever again. All of this for a few moments of recognizing and glory. All it needs is some attention from the people around it and it will do anyone and everything just to receive those few brief moments. The little moments that will never be worthy of bringing up again, yet at this specific second it seems like the most important thing in the world. It’s feels like it’s unable to move on without it, like a car stuck in quicksand, slowly sinking and unable to move.       Each second I wait, it only gets faster and faster. It feels like I’m breathing in my last few breathes and it’ll only be a matter of minutes before I die. Only a matter of minutes before all the oxygen inside my lungs are used up. I’m holding onto every last bit of oxygen, trying to savor every single drop I have left. It’s like eating the last of a slice of pizza, you’re trying to get all the joy in there last slice because you never know when you’ll get it again. 

       I’ve become desperate, I try to convince my heart that the race is over but my heart doesn’t buy it. It keeps looking for the attention that no one is going to provide. It just keeps on going like when you’re mad and just want to run, so you go where your feet take you. It doesn’t matter where you go as long as you get out of there. Whatever my heart is trying to outrun I will never know, just that it’ll eventually be the death of me. 

Interloper.

why I shouldn't live on earth

I wish the second I could understand the world, someone grabbed me by the wrist, sat me down and told me the truth. I wish they said

“You know how everyone
believes in happiness, well
happiness never has and
never will exist. It’s an
illusion, you can only be
happy for a short moment
of time and you spend the
rest of your life miserable.
You know how they say
“everything happens for a
reason”, well that’s also false.
Life is constantly going
throw shit at you, but you
can either make that shit into
a sculpture and make people
pay to see it or let it pile up
and smell it for the rest of
your god damn life. You know
how your parents say shit like
they love you and they’ll support
you through everything well
thats the biggest lie of them all.”

People will always tell you that they’ll die for you and that they’ll support you forever and always. But that’s only because for that brief moment you’re their happiness. You appear to them as that temporary illusion. Once they realize that their happiness doesn’t resonate with you they drop you, like an old framed picture of an ex that once meant the world to them. But just like their ex, you don’t mean anything to anymore. It makes you wonder if you ever meant anything to them at all. But truth me told, you never did. You were a shiny dollar bill but over time you got worn and they discarded you. They put you at the bottom of the stack because they realized they needed something better. They wanted the ace of spades but you were just the king of hearts.