I wish the second I could understand the world, someone grabbed me by the wrist, sat me down and told me the truth. I wish they said
“You know how everyone
believes in happiness, well
happiness never has and
never will exist. It’s an
illusion, you can only be
happy for a short moment
of time and you spend the
rest of your life miserable.
You know how they say
“everything happens for a
reason”, well that’s also false.
Life is constantly going
throw shit at you, but you
can either make that shit into
a sculpture and make people
pay to see it or let it pile up
and smell it for the rest of
your god damn life. You know
how your parents say shit like
they love you and they’ll support
you through everything well
thats the biggest lie of them all.”
People will always tell you that they’ll die for you and that they’ll support you forever and always. But that’s only because for that brief moment you’re their happiness. You appear to them as that temporary illusion. Once they realize that their happiness doesn’t resonate with you they drop you, like an old framed picture of an ex that once meant the world to them. But just like their ex, you don’t mean anything to anymore. It makes you wonder if you ever meant anything to them at all. But truth me told, you never did. You were a shiny dollar bill but over time you got worn and they discarded you. They put you at the bottom of the stack because they realized they needed something better. They wanted the ace of spades but you were just the king of hearts.
It’s times like these where I wish someone would understand me. Where I wasn’t trapped in my own mind with all these lingering thoughts of whether I want to make it till tomorrow didn’t exist. I so desperately want to rid this depression but no matter what I do it always comes backs and haunts me. In my dreams I lay awake at night hoping that someone will understand what I’m going through, but when I awake from the dreams I’m here again living the shadows of who they want me to be.
I succeed at things that they want to be good at it. I’m living the happiness of someone else and it’s so engraved in me that I don’t know how to stop it. Whenever I try to show individuality they bring me back to the herd like a pack of wolves, punishing me for being different. Stripping me of my clothes and ordering that I put on a jail jumper and surrender to them like I always have done. But the punishment I receive is mental, it’s from the thoughts I think alone. From my own cursed mind, that’s doing nothing but destroying me from within. That’s controlling my every thought, emotion and actions. My mind powerful enough to create the depressing that my heart is trying so hard to get rid of. Yet my mind causes the tears out of my eyes when I start feeling depressed and alone.
At times like these I wish I had someone to talk to, but instead I’m talking to myself. The being that’s been doing nothing but make me depressed in the first place.
My whole life I have seen girls with boys and men with women. Men married women and women married men. It was just normal that way. Men fell in love with women and women fell in love with men. That’s just the way things went. Women dated men and men dated women. It was normal that way.
Men and women would raise their kids together. That’s just the way it was. Women go to the mall to buy clothes in the women department. Men go to the men department and buy men clothes.
Men buy cologne and women buy perfume. That’s the way we were taught. It’s okay for women to cry but it’s forbidden for men. As if they are incapable of having emotions. As if nothing makes them sad and upset.
Women are so strongly criticized if they are the only ones working. As if it’s a disgrace that they make more money than there husbands. As if it’s a bad thing.
Men can’t wear makeup because it was made for women. It’s made to beautify them but if men want to feel beautiful, too bad I guess.
Women can’t have biceps and triceps because apparently it looks weird. It’s looks better on men. As if they can’t get strong and be fit.
Men can’t wear nail polish because it’s a girl thing. Men can’t get there ear pierced because it’s a girl thing. Men can’t wear pink because it’s a girl thing.
Women can’t shave there hair because it’s a guy thing. Women can’t pay the bills because it’s a guy thing. Women can’t watch sports because it’s a guy thing.
I’m not like you. I don’t belong here. I don’t fit in. I’m don’t wear clothes just from the girls department and I don’t wear clothes just from the boys department. I don’t just wear girl deodorant and I don’t just wear boy deodorant. I don’t have a boyfriend and I don’t have a girlfriend. I don’t have crushes on just girls and I don’t have crushes on just boys. I don’t dream about girls and I don’t dream about boys. I don’t hangout with just girls and I don’t hang out with just boys. I don’t play just girl sports and I don’t play just boy sports. I’m not a he and I’m not a she. I’m not just a gamer and I’m not just an artist. I’m not a just a guitarist and I’m not just a writer. I’m not just an athlete and I’m not just a fashionista. I’m not just a kid who’s favorite color is pink and I’m not just a kid who’s favorite color is burgundy. I’m not just a kid that reads the books and I’m not just the kid that watches the movies. I’m not just a kid going through a problem but I’m a kid with a secret.