Personal battles

   Life gets hard, it’s suffocating me. Desperately getting harder and harder to breathe. Gasping for the air that won’t fill up my lungs. Constant attempts to rid the hate the outside world has towards my insides. I try anything and everything, but its nothing but a failed attempt. Everyday is a constant struggle that I have to face. Day after day, I pray and pray that it will get better, but it only gets worse. I guess it’s fair because I destroyed his life which in turn destroyed mine. I wish I never had done it, but it was too late to go back. It was too late to do anything. Not only had I missed the window, I was caught in the middle with nowhere to go. 

 I just got fed up with all this bullshit, and I just exploded like two and a half hours after eating 15 tacos from Taco Bell. All this hatred, fear and anger took toll of me. It fermented itself into gas, eventually there was too much and it had no where to go so it just blew up. I lost control of my body for such a long time. I felt myself standing there but my words, my muscles and my body was not in my control. The words slipped out of my mouth and the second they were said, it felt like my heart was stabbed. I was slowly bleeding, on the verge of wanting to be dead but there was no one to save me. I had put this upon myself and I had to spend the rest of my life with it. I woke up in another land, confused, frustrated and unable to move. I felt like someone took my heart, crushed it and stuck it back inside me.

 He will forever hate me and I will forever feel like the inside of a toilet seat, just because of some words that weren’t meant to be said. They slipped out like a cartoon character slipping on a banana peal. They were never meant to be said, they weren’t even true. I used these god awful words to make him feel like shit; it was supposed to make me feel better about myself but it only made me feel worse. I was slowly losing the desire to do anything. Did I even deserve happiness, after I forced all this to happen?

 I avoided looking the mirror because my reflection got too much for me to handle. My reflection only portrayed the beast inside of me. The beast I so desperately didn’t want to be; my worst enemy. How could I live with myself knowing that I was my own worst enemy? It’s getting hard to breathe, my thoughts, my mind and my actions compressing my lungs. Forcing all the existing air out and preventing any from entering inside; leaving me to die. I gasp for air that can’t fill up my lungs. For now it’s too late, I have failed.



Personal battles

      My heart beats faster, I can feel it in my chest, it’s racing like a runner in a marathon desperately wanting to get first place. Just like the runner, my heart is strong and devoted to getting what it want. It’s constantly trying to outrun all the other competitors, just to get to the red finish line. All it wants is the satisfaction of being first place. Since it wants the first place trophy so badly it neglects everything else’s and starts destroying my lungs in return. All of this for a trophy that it’ll never remember and look at ever again. All of this for a few moments of recognizing and glory. All it needs is some attention from the people around it and it will do anyone and everything just to receive those few brief moments. The little moments that will never be worthy of bringing up again, yet at this specific second it seems like the most important thing in the world. It’s feels like it’s unable to move on without it, like a car stuck in quicksand, slowly sinking and unable to move.       Each second I wait, it only gets faster and faster. It feels like I’m breathing in my last few breathes and it’ll only be a matter of minutes before I die. Only a matter of minutes before all the oxygen inside my lungs are used up. I’m holding onto every last bit of oxygen, trying to savor every single drop I have left. It’s like eating the last of a slice of pizza, you’re trying to get all the joy in there last slice because you never know when you’ll get it again. 

       I’ve become desperate, I try to convince my heart that the race is over but my heart doesn’t buy it. It keeps looking for the attention that no one is going to provide. It just keeps on going like when you’re mad and just want to run, so you go where your feet take you. It doesn’t matter where you go as long as you get out of there. Whatever my heart is trying to outrun I will never know, just that it’ll eventually be the death of me.