Life gets hard, it’s suffocating me. Desperately getting harder and harder to breathe. Gasping for the air that won’t fill up my lungs. Constant attempts to rid the hate the outside world has towards my insides. I try anything and everything, but its nothing but a failed attempt. Everyday is a constant struggle that I have to face. Day after day, I pray and pray that it will get better, but it only gets worse. I guess it’s fair because I destroyed his life which in turn destroyed mine. I wish I never had done it, but it was too late to go back. It was too late to do anything. Not only had I missed the window, I was caught in the middle with nowhere to go.
I just got fed up with all this bullshit, and I just exploded like two and a half hours after eating 15 tacos from Taco Bell. All this hatred, fear and anger took toll of me. It fermented itself into gas, eventually there was too much and it had no where to go so it just blew up. I lost control of my body for such a long time. I felt myself standing there but my words, my muscles and my body was not in my control. The words slipped out of my mouth and the second they were said, it felt like my heart was stabbed. I was slowly bleeding, on the verge of wanting to be dead but there was no one to save me. I had put this upon myself and I had to spend the rest of my life with it. I woke up in another land, confused, frustrated and unable to move. I felt like someone took my heart, crushed it and stuck it back inside me.
He will forever hate me and I will forever feel like the inside of a toilet seat, just because of some words that weren’t meant to be said. They slipped out like a cartoon character slipping on a banana peal. They were never meant to be said, they weren’t even true. I used these god awful words to make him feel like shit; it was supposed to make me feel better about myself but it only made me feel worse. I was slowly losing the desire to do anything. Did I even deserve happiness, after I forced all this to happen?
I avoided looking the mirror because my reflection got too much for me to handle. My reflection only portrayed the beast inside of me. The beast I so desperately didn’t want to be; my worst enemy. How could I live with myself knowing that I was my own worst enemy? It’s getting hard to breathe, my thoughts, my mind and my actions compressing my lungs. Forcing all the existing air out and preventing any from entering inside; leaving me to die. I gasp for air that can’t fill up my lungs. For now it’s too late, I have failed.
My heart beats faster, I can feel it in my chest, it’s racing like a runner in a marathon desperately wanting to get first place. Just like the runner, my heart is strong and devoted to getting what it want. It’s constantly trying to outrun all the other competitors, just to get to the red finish line. All it wants is the satisfaction of being first place. Since it wants the first place trophy so badly it neglects everything else’s and starts destroying my lungs in return. All of this for a trophy that it’ll never remember and look at ever again. All of this for a few moments of recognizing and glory. All it needs is some attention from the people around it and it will do anyone and everything just to receive those few brief moments. The little moments that will never be worthy of bringing up again, yet at this specific second it seems like the most important thing in the world. It’s feels like it’s unable to move on without it, like a car stuck in quicksand, slowly sinking and unable to move. Each second I wait, it only gets faster and faster. It feels like I’m breathing in my last few breathes and it’ll only be a matter of minutes before I die. Only a matter of minutes before all the oxygen inside my lungs are used up. I’m holding onto every last bit of oxygen, trying to savor every single drop I have left. It’s like eating the last of a slice of pizza, you’re trying to get all the joy in there last slice because you never know when you’ll get it again.
I’ve become desperate, I try to convince my heart that the race is over but my heart doesn’t buy it. It keeps looking for the attention that no one is going to provide. It just keeps on going like when you’re mad and just want to run, so you go where your feet take you. It doesn’t matter where you go as long as you get out of there. Whatever my heart is trying to outrun I will never know, just that it’ll eventually be the death of me.
Take everything that you love about yourself, everything that has ever made you happy and everything that continues to make you happy. And then take the one person who you want to be proud of you and picture then telling you that all you’ve been is a disappointment to them.Picture them telling you that they’ve never been proud you and that you’re incapable of ever making them proud of you.
Now take all the goals that you have for yourself; for your future. And picture that one person that you always thought to be your number one supporter and picture them telling you that you’re never going to accomplish any of your goals because you don’t have what it takes to be good at anything. That you’re gonna end up homeless because you aren’t smart enough to get a degree.
Lastly picture those days where you woke up depressed, sad and wanting to end it all. You just wanted to be anywhere but the place that you were. You had all these thoughts circling your head and you didn’t know which one to listen to. The thoughts that one day you’ll accomplish everything if you set you mind to it, or the thought that all you’ll ever be is a disappointment, that you’ll never do anything right. You just wanted to be alone but you knew that being alone would be the death of you. That brief moment where you think to yourself that no one will give a shit if you’re gone. It’s not like you made that big of an impact in someone’s life.
That’s as close as equivalent to my mental state at the moment.
I wish the second I could understand the world, someone grabbed me by the wrist, sat me down and told me the truth. I wish they said
“You know how everyone
believes in happiness, well
happiness never has and
never will exist. It’s an
illusion, you can only be
happy for a short moment
of time and you spend the
rest of your life miserable.
You know how they say
“everything happens for a
reason”, well that’s also false.
Life is constantly going
throw shit at you, but you
can either make that shit into
a sculpture and make people
pay to see it or let it pile up
and smell it for the rest of
your god damn life. You know
how your parents say shit like
they love you and they’ll support
you through everything well
thats the biggest lie of them all.”
People will always tell you that they’ll die for you and that they’ll support you forever and always. But that’s only because for that brief moment you’re their happiness. You appear to them as that temporary illusion. Once they realize that their happiness doesn’t resonate with you they drop you, like an old framed picture of an ex that once meant the world to them. But just like their ex, you don’t mean anything to anymore. It makes you wonder if you ever meant anything to them at all. But truth me told, you never did. You were a shiny dollar bill but over time you got worn and they discarded you. They put you at the bottom of the stack because they realized they needed something better. They wanted the ace of spades but you were just the king of hearts.
It’s times like these where I wish someone would understand me. Where I wasn’t trapped in my own mind with all these lingering thoughts of whether I want to make it till tomorrow didn’t exist. I so desperately want to rid this depression but no matter what I do it always comes backs and haunts me. In my dreams I lay awake at night hoping that someone will understand what I’m going through, but when I awake from the dreams I’m here again living the shadows of who they want me to be.
I succeed at things that they want to be good at it. I’m living the happiness of someone else and it’s so engraved in me that I don’t know how to stop it. Whenever I try to show individuality they bring me back to the herd like a pack of wolves, punishing me for being different. Stripping me of my clothes and ordering that I put on a jail jumper and surrender to them like I always have done. But the punishment I receive is mental, it’s from the thoughts I think alone. From my own cursed mind, that’s doing nothing but destroying me from within. That’s controlling my every thought, emotion and actions. My mind powerful enough to create the depressing that my heart is trying so hard to get rid of. Yet my mind causes the tears out of my eyes when I start feeling depressed and alone.
At times like these I wish I had someone to talk to, but instead I’m talking to myself. The being that’s been doing nothing but make me depressed in the first place.
I’ve been broken, beaten and confused. I’ve been stripped bare and mixed vigorously. They’ve laid me down in clean sheets and colored me black. I’ve been marked up and drawn on. Over and over again. They’ve put a label on me and they always refer to me as a name I didn’t ask for. Everyday they use me and they abuse me. I feel the warmth so much that it wears me to nothing but raw material. The friction between us is so ecstatic it burns me. Over the days, months and years, I shed parts of myself. I lose who I am only to replaced in a poor manner. They toss blame on me and make me feel less and less of myself but they never realize that they are doing it.
I’ve been ripped from the ground and glued back together only to break apart again. I’ve been stripped of my dignity and have had it replaced it by something else. I’m seen everyday but never acknowledged. I live my life to please others but never to be pleased. I let them walk all over me and they always do. I’m never enough to stop them.
What am I?
My whole life I have seen girls with boys and men with women. Men married women and women married men. It was just normal that way. Men fell in love with women and women fell in love with men. That’s just the way things went. Women dated men and men dated women. It was normal that way.
Men and women would raise their kids together. That’s just the way it was. Women go to the mall to buy clothes in the women department. Men go to the men department and buy men clothes.
Men buy cologne and women buy perfume. That’s the way we were taught. It’s okay for women to cry but it’s forbidden for men. As if they are incapable of having emotions. As if nothing makes them sad and upset.
Women are so strongly criticized if they are the only ones working. As if it’s a disgrace that they make more money than there husbands. As if it’s a bad thing.
Men can’t wear makeup because it was made for women. It’s made to beautify them but if men want to feel beautiful, too bad I guess.
Women can’t have biceps and triceps because apparently it looks weird. It’s looks better on men. As if they can’t get strong and be fit.
Men can’t wear nail polish because it’s a girl thing. Men can’t get there ear pierced because it’s a girl thing. Men can’t wear pink because it’s a girl thing.
Women can’t shave there hair because it’s a guy thing. Women can’t pay the bills because it’s a guy thing. Women can’t watch sports because it’s a guy thing.
I’m not like you. I don’t belong here. I don’t fit in. I’m don’t wear clothes just from the girls department and I don’t wear clothes just from the boys department. I don’t just wear girl deodorant and I don’t just wear boy deodorant. I don’t have a boyfriend and I don’t have a girlfriend. I don’t have crushes on just girls and I don’t have crushes on just boys. I don’t dream about girls and I don’t dream about boys. I don’t hangout with just girls and I don’t hang out with just boys. I don’t play just girl sports and I don’t play just boy sports. I’m not a he and I’m not a she. I’m not just a gamer and I’m not just an artist. I’m not a just a guitarist and I’m not just a writer. I’m not just an athlete and I’m not just a fashionista. I’m not just a kid who’s favorite color is pink and I’m not just a kid who’s favorite color is burgundy. I’m not just a kid that reads the books and I’m not just the kid that watches the movies. I’m not just a kid going through a problem but I’m a kid with a secret.